Anxiety and The New Year

Anyone else feeling unhinged… bitchy…zero patience for literally anything and anyone… a little spicy? I've had multiple conversations with people about this especially this week or really since Jan 1st. So let's dive in shall we…….

Let me start by saying I'm pretty sure I have undiagnosed ADD so my brain is always scattered, an organized chaos so to speak.  This may be hard to follow at times because I can't type as fast as my brain works. Try to follow along at your own risk….. 

When we talk about anxiety we must start with what it is and what it feels like. Mostly why those lucky bastards who dont get it can just live their lives unbothered….fuckers. When I say I have anxiety or I'm having an episode (if I say anything at all..don't come at me I'm getting better) I get asked what it feels like. Well to start out it fucking sucks so there’s that, but ill try to explain better. I am a very emotional person and by that I don't mean I cry a lot and get my feelings hurt. I mean I FEEL literally everything. The energy shift in a room… a shift in conversation or text… when someone is stressed (often before they even realize it) I feel the light bulbs in a room or the electricity poles outside. EVERYTHING! To be honest its fucking exhausting but I digress. So when someone asks me how I feel something I'm like “I got this”. I explained to my friend what a panic attack or anxiety feels like to me as a series of unfortunate events. It starts out by a feeling in my gut. For example, say you are eating a mint then take a sip of water. THAT weird tingly feeling in your stomach is how mine start. It's quickly followed by tingles up and down my arms and legs, heavy breathing, lump in my throat, feeling of absolute fuckery and the awful sheer panic in my mind. Honorable mentions… sweating, watery eyes (sometimes crying) feeling hot and pacing unless i'm in my car. This is almost always followed by a massive case of disassociation or zoning out. The WORST part is it comes out of nowhere… literally nowhere. I was driving the other day and thought of a McDonald's soda and BAM it hit me like a ton of bricks. Now I will say this is what a start of a panic attack feels like but my spouts of anxiety almost always start this way. It is followed by me retreating for a few days. No or minimal contact with people… lots of binge watching tv (which I normally don't do) laying on the couch which I just don't ever do, long drives or spontaneous road trips and my favorite… eating the same food for days. No joke, it's usually butter bread or rice with butter and s&p. Not sure why or where this came from but it's what I eat when I have ZERO energy to do anything.  

With all this said, I don't know what is going on with this year but it's been HARD!! We are only a couple months into the new year and I am emotionally and mentally drained. I've been extra spicy to others and have had to apologize for my bitchy behavior. A toxic trait of mine is instead of telling people I'm having a bit of anxiety I just end up being a raging bitch. Call it a defense mechanism if you'd like but I say it's because as soon as I start to explain what I'm feeling, people lose interest… story of my life. The more I talk to others about what's going on in the universe I'm starting to realize I'm not alone. The planets are doing crazy shit and I am 100% a Capricorn and apparently that doesn't mix well.

 So how do we tackle this situation you might ask? Well this is how I have learned to manage it without medication. Is it the right decision… not sure but I will not take medication so here we are.  Find yourself a person. Mine is a friend who unapologetically loves and accepts me for the broken shit show that I am. She grounds me and is there for me no matter what day or night. She listens to me and offers advice but most of all she calms me. She knows my triggers and can tell when I'm about to spiral. She knows me better than I know myself and can predict when I'm about to lose it and deals with it accordingly. For example, if I'm with her she can tell the signs when I'm about to lose my shit and will yell my name when I zone out to bring me back. Or she will touch me to redirect my brain and get me out of my own head. She has forced me to come hang out even if we are alone together. If I'm not with her she can pick up real quick and will check in on me and basically call me out, which is exactly what I need. She doesn't hold back with her words and is completely honest which I also respond well to because I'm the same way. She has saved me in more ways than I know and I've only known her for about 5 years. She knows me better than friends I've had my whole life. Now your person may be your significant other or a parent which is just as good. Just find a person who will stand by you when you need them the most and even more when you don't. Listen, this woman is a saint for putting up with my shit because I am a difficult person to love and be around at times. I overthink, I speak my mind, I'm stubborn, have zero patience, and I don't tolerate disrespect but I love hard and am loyal through and through. Problem is you need to get through a fucking army and stone wall to get to that point but once your’e in…..your’e in. Another problem is once you're out I’M DONE. It's like you never existed. So proceed with caution if you plan on entering into my life. 

So to wrap this all up in a pretty bow… we all have things we have been through that led us to where we are today. I have had some pretty fucked up shit happen to me over the years that instantly cause me anxiety just thinking about it. These situations have also shaped me into who I am today (good or bad) and the way I react to situations is a direct result of the way I've been treated over the years. I have done a lot of healing and self growth over the last two years that honestly was well overdue. I've learned a lot about who I am and what I deserve in life but still more often than not, the anxiety creeps in and turns my world upside down. We are all in this together and we all need to start talking about what's going on in our heads. That is one reason I have chosen to start this blog. I wanted to highlight my photography and my adventures all while getting my thoughts out of my brain and onto paper. It helps to clear my head and say things out loud for some reason. Most of the time it's just to realize how ridiculous my thoughts sound when said out loud. So follow me on the journey of self discovery and fantastic journeys with a sprinkle of pics and absolute fuckery. 

Enjoy some pictures of my happy place. It's a Pilates studio I work at that is a whole VIBE! Every time I walk into this place my mood changes. I don't know if it's the plants or the absolute gems that I work with but it's the serotonin boost I need daily. We will get into this place and how it and the owner saved me at a very low time in my life. This place is amazing and if you ever need a reset I suggest Pilates… and coffee. ALWAYS COFFEE!!!!! Now go out and enjoy the day you deserve 🙂