Friendships, are they worth it?!
Now hear me out…I’m not a complete bitch. I know you read that and thought WTF how rude of course they are worth it. Well… no they are not or at least most aren’t.
I was a certified, 100% selfless people pleaser growing up. I put the comfort and needs of literally everyone else before mine. I checked in on people regularly if I hadn’t heard from them in a while. I cared so deeply for people that honestly didn't give a shit about me. I kept friendships and relationships alive for no reason. It was definitely one sided effort and honestly it was fucking exhausting!!! I have always been honest and blunt with people but somehow along the way I lost myself. Well to be honest I know exactly why and how I lost myself and was seeking validation from others but that’s my story and mine alone. In the back of my mind I knew these people didnt give two shits about me but I still held on hope. So when did that all change? Well the day I cut half my family out of my life and never looked back. That was well over 10 years ago and it was the jump start I needed to rid my life of toxicity.
Now dont get me wrong its tough. You will find out who your real friends are when you stop checking in on them. When you stop calling and texting just to say hi. When you stop inviting them out knowing they won’t say yes. Oh, and if you really want to find out who your true friends are… move. You don’t even have to move that far away and BAM you are no longer important. Its a hard hard truth and it fucking hurts but once you open up that space its refreshing. You can fill that space with the people who actually care about you. The ones that want to see you and want to talk to you. The ones who put forth the effort and reciprocate your energy. Once I just let go of people and the need to check in, my life became so much better. I did things that I liked doing with the people that wanted to spend time with me. Now I’m not saying I cut all these people out of my life completely I just stopped checking in on them regularly. Guess what…. they never checked in on me either. If they were to call me or text and say hi, I of course would answer but I don’t have time for superficial relationships. I have my people. Its a small group but they are MY people and I will move mountains for them. They also reciprocate that same energy and effort to me. I have a friend I met through work over 10 years ago. We’ve lived together… we’ve traveled together and she is someone I can be my 100% authentic self around. Sure she gives me shit and calls me out and pokes fun at my faults…..BUT I appreciate and understand her and she does the same for me and well that’s something I will always cherish about our friendship.
Look, I don’t need endless amounts of friends or as my partner in crime says “acquaintances”. She coined that term for anyone in my life that doesn’t match my energy and effort. I like it and I have switched that in my mind… it helps with the disassociation. It re-wires my brain and makes it easier to let people go. Again that may sound heartless but honestly I don’t care, cuz the people who matter stick around and those that don’t… well don’t. Its funny how that happens.
So, I have a group of friends from high school that will ALWAYS be a part of my life. Do I talk to them on a regular basis… no not really. I stopped reaching out when I realized it wasn’t reciprocated. I have one I see almost every week and wouldn’t trade that for anything. The others I rarely see or talk to and I get it… life, kids, family. I don’t take offense to it at all. We still get together every couple months and catch up and I love that about us. Hopefully that will never change. I have other friends who I rarely speak to and that’s OK too. I have one friend who I consider one of my best friends and we barely speak to each other. To be honest shes awful at maintaining our friendship but I will NEVER give up on her. Shes one of my favorite people in the world and we met under shitty horrible circumstances. I have family I rarely speak to but are OK with and then I have the other half I will never speak to again. As in you’re not welcome at my funeral. #sorrynotsorry (don’t even try to come…there’s a list and you are on it)
This mindset is horrible when it comes to dating. The main reason why I’m just so good at it….NOT! All in all, if I don’t see you match my effort then BYE! I wont hesitate to cut you out and sure as hell wont feel bad about it. My time is valuable and just as valuable as anyone else’s. Just because I’m not married and don’t have kids doesn’t make my time any less important. I hate that I even need to say that out loud but its true. I’m busy… but if I make time out of my busy day to check in on you or make plans, then I expect the same in return. Its not a lot to ask for. We don’t get a whole lot of time on this planet and I sure as hell won’t waste it on someone who doesn’t give me a second thought.
