Don’t Panic
Anxiety is a real doozie sometimes and if you don’t suffer form, it then you will never understand. Waves of it comes when you least expect it. Sometimes it can manifest into a full-blown panic attack. Those fucking suck.
I have not had a panic attack in years. I used to get them all the time for no apparent reason. It felt like they came out of nowhere or a small inconvenience would send me into a tailspin. Me being me, I would try to never let anyone see that I was having one or about to have one. I would excuse myself and leave or I would suffer in silence. On the outside I would look pissed off and come off bitchy while on the inside I was literally losing my shit. I never knew how to deal with them. I never knew what caused them. I never knew how to prevent them. So, when I moved about an hour away, I really sat in my feeling for a good two years. I learned ways to cope with my emotions and my anxiety. (I am still working on it) I started to pick up on triggers and could catch it before it got bad. I have come a long way, that is until this week.
Let’s start by defining (in my own words from someone with a brain like nobody else’s) what a "“panic attack” is and what it feels like. For me it feels like you’re dying. I know that sounds very dramatic but it’s very true. My trigger this time was a very small incident that to be honest I didn’t really even care about. My body said otherwise. Let me break it down for you, try to follow along.
This small incident happened. I immediately was pissed off which turned to tears fast. (fun note when I’m PISSED, I cry, and I HATE it) Then I started to feel my gut tighten. I got the minty gut feeling. My hands started to tingle, and my feet felt heavy. I tried really hard to suppress my tears which isn’t good and started a downward spiral. My breathing increased and became more rapid. I felt myself gasping for air all while tears streamed down my face. I got up out of my chair and started pacing and doing the hand thing. (where you wave your hands in front of your face because you think it’s a fan and will calm you down) I grabbed a towel and put the towel to my face. Ok, so fun fact about me is that ever since I was a kid I would put a towel up to my eyes and literally try to push the tears back in. It’s stupid I know and clearly never worked. I also try not to cry very often unless it’s that soldier coming home videos or animals or babies. INSTANT tears!!! Anyway, I will say now is the time where I would have normally ended up in the fetal position sobbing until it passed…BUT NOT TODAY SATAN!
I immediately grabbed an ice pack and sat down on the side of my bed. I put on my sound machine to the thunderstorm setting and closed my eyes. I started to do my breathing techniques I was taught by the studio owner I work with. She taught me to balloon breathe in a little, pause, then breathe in again, pause, then exhale a bit then exhale the rest. I repeated that until I calmed down a bit all while having the ice pack to my chest. (I literally tucked it into my bra) I would say I did this for about 30 minuets. It took me that long to regulate my breathing and calm down-ish. Once I was able to catch my breath, I was able to box breathe ( 4counts in-pause 4 counts-4 counts out-pause 4 counts-repeat) By this time it was well past my bedtime, and I still had to shower. So, I took a cold shower, literally as cold as I could stand it. All this helped tremendously but didn’t get rid of it. I laid in bed for hours just thinking of the worst-case scenarios on every topic known to man. I created scenarios in my head that didn’t exist and tossed and turned all night long. So that made work the next day super fun. people could tell I wasn’t myself no matter how hard I tried to cover it up. When I have a panic attack it literally takes every ounce of energy out of me. Mentally, physically and emotionally. My body feels like I just went through a really hard workout. It sucks let me tell ya.
So what did I do to help. I talked to my two friends who unfortunately get the brunt of all my big emotions. I feel for them I really do. They are the real MVPS in my life. I got outside and smelled fresh air. I put my bare feet on the ground and felt the grass. I got a coffee cuz well duh. I’m slowly pulling myself out of this slump I’m in and trying to see the brighter side.
Should I have called someone to help me though it while it was happening… sure. Did I… HELL NO! I never ever….. ever want to be a burden on anyone. My problems are mine and mine to deal with. I never want to show weakness because that’s when people take advantage of you. I know it’s not the best mindset at all. I’m working on it I promise! What I do feel bad for is how I’m treating others. Instead of being honest and upfront to the people I speak to daily, I’m retreating and ignoring them. (which is not me at all I’m the most honest person except for to myself) People who mean the world to me. I know they are confused because they constantly check on me, but I don’t want them to see this side of me. I want them to only see the good side not the bad. Again, I realize how ridiculous this all sounds. I’m getting better but one thing to know about me, is I will ALWAYS be fine even when I’m not.
