Everyone leaves…
They all leave… everyone leaves. This is a conversation I have a lot with a particular friend of mine. (I’d like to note she has never left, and she has no choice cuz she’s stuck with me until the end of time) I’m being dead serious when I say this phrase. (Almost) everyone significant in my life has left me at one point or another. Some came back and some are gone forever… thankfully. This topic was brought up during a conversation I was having today. Allow me to explain.
Listen I have commitment issues… shocker I know! Who knew right?! Anyhoo, I believe those issues came from being left in the dust by people/family that was supposed to have my back. You know the phrase; blood is thicker than water… I call BULLSHIT! Sometimes I wonder what its like to have a big family that actually likes each other. Who gets together on holidays but also a random Wednesday. To have siblings that care about you or grandparents! What I wouldnt give to have grandparents. Then it hits me, I had that growing up. I had the BIG family get togethers, the holidays, the apple/pumpkin picking and random weekday hangouts. I had all that… until one day I didn’t. (no, they didn’t all die they just fucking suck) I won’t get into the reasons why it all abruptly stopped but it did and they just poof up and left. Haven’t seen or heard from them since, and it took me a short time to be thankful for that. I don’t need nor do I want that kind of negativity in my life. It hurt because they were family, and family is supposed to stick together blah blah blah. To me all that is absolute bullshit, and blood doesn’t make you family.
It’s not just family that up and leaves its friends too. Now this is where the water gets murky. I’ve had more friends than I can count just leave… for whatever reason. One left cuz we didn’t see eye to eye on certain things even though we were friends and roommates that went through hell and back. Saw things that most people never recover from and even then, she questioned my character, so I left. (after an ultimatum that I wasn’t agreeing to) So that one was I guess both of us leaving but she never apologized or tried to contact me so BYE FELICA. I had another who I had been friends with since 4th grade leave because we had a big bad blow out. BUUUUUT we figured out we loved each other way too much to stay mad and now she’s ones of my favorite people ever. Sorry bitch but you’re stuck with me till we die :) I’ve had countless guys up and leave (which probably was partially my fault, I’m nothing if not self-aware hahaha) Had a dear out of town friend leave me for a tad bit over a guy, don’t worry she came back and she is also struck with me till death. High school friends have come and gone and come back. Others have left because we moved away, and I got tired of trying to keep the friendship alive. The list goes on and on and on. I could sit her all day and tell you about the countless amount of people who have just up and left. I get it, this happens to other people too, but it seems to happen more frequently with me. I believe it has to do with my I don’t give a fuck attitude. You want to leave? Great, get the fuck out. I don’t have the time or energy to put into people who don’t really care about me. I have learned to not give as much of myself to people anymore. I don’t share much about myself with people and I keep them at arm’s length to avoid getting close cuz ya know… they all leave. It’s a fucked-up way to look at the world but it’s also a sure-fire way to keep your peace and protect your heart.
I have learned to let my guard down with certain people but the moment the vibes are off…I back off. I’d rather scrape my bare ass across asphalt on a hot Missouri day in August than let my guard down and let people in. I’d rather slide down a metal slide on the hot ass playground in shorts than catch feelings for anyone. So, if anyone manages to break through those walls of mine and I do happen to let them in, just know I must really think you are something special.
