I’m a strong independent woman and I’m fucking tired…

Let me start by saying this is NOT a flex. It's not something I necessarily enjoy all the time. I was raised to do things on my own and then if I still needed help ask. I was raised by two Boomers and a Vietnam War/ex-Cop dad, so “I can’t” wasn’t in my vocabulary. I was always raised by the motto “not I can’t, its I’ll try” and I still do that to this day. My parents are still a huge help to me daily and I appreciate them as they try to lessen my load.

I HATE asking for help. Mainly because every time I do ask for help it backfires. It’s always on their terms not mine or IM the one inconveniencing them. So, I have learned to just figure it out and for the most part that works just fine. I don’t like having all that responsibility on my shoulder daily. Its fucking exhausting! I pay all the bills; I fill my gas tank (literally the only thing in this world I HATE doing and I’m not sure why) I make all the decisions, its MEMEMEME. For someone who hates making things about them, this SUCKS! For example, my electricity bill was $188 last month and im still not over it. I was so pissed for weeks about it but hey it is what is at this point. (also, my life motto) I do have quite a bit of people who will help me with zero guilt or commentary, and I am truly grateful for that.

I understand that this may seem like I’m complaining, and I should just get over it because it’s not that big of a deal… but it is and I am. Those of you who are married or have a significant other to help with the finances are the lucky ones. I don’t care how much $$ you make having to pay for everything on your own (male or female) is rooooough. Having to take care of others all day then coming home and having to do that for me usually means I crash. By crashing I mean literally falling into my bed or the couch. I am sometimes too tired to eat or at least make myself something to eat. I’m too tired to physically move sometimes. I tend to go go go all day because I know as soon as I get home IM DONE. Mind, body and soul… just DONE! If I do get home and have a little energy, I know to not sit down cuz then its game over and I’m unproductive the rest of the evening.

I will say I’m used to it…doesn’t mean I wouldn’t trade it in a heartbeat. Ok, maybe not all of it. I do pride myself on being independent and the fact that I can literally figure anything out. BUT I also hate the fact that people say, “oh its D she will figure it out I’m not worried about her” FUCK THAT! Be worried just a little… maybe? Please? Again, it’s a weird dichotomy though. I want people to help or offer assistance, but I refuse to ask for it or accept it. I realize how absurd that sounds but it’s how I am and I’m working on it. Failing miserable but still working on it.

Besides all of that, talking to people about it is also exhausting. Ok, so this is one thing I hate about people. Just because I am talking to you about something doesn’t mean I am in any way downgrading or taking away value from you. For example, if I’m talking to someone and I express my frustration about having to pay for things or that I’m exhausted they will kick back with something combative. Does that make sense? I hope it does because it’s hard to articulate sometimes what I’m trying to say. I have female friends who are absolute BOSSES at thier jobs. They have worked their asses off to get where they are and Im so damn proud of them. I also have many stay at home moms who gave up their career or who chose to take on that role and they are also absolute BOSSES. To compare them would be like comparing apples to oranges. Each of them has their own set of stressors but a majority of them have a significant other to help lessen that load (not all are supportive, and I get that is a whole different topic) So the bills and household chores and cooking doesn’t necessarily fall on just one person. Now take a single person (not just a female) and look at their life. It all falls on that one person. It’s hard like really HARD! So, when people try to downgrade or tell me “Well find someone and that problem is solved” I get big mad. I’d rather take on life alone than settle just to get my bills paid.

Anyhow, this came to me today when I realized my car is fucked and I have to rely on others to help me. The “I can do this” mindset got thrown out the damn window and I now have to wait around for help. Which I am so grateful for, but it sucks when you were fixin to go to Chickela and your car wouldn’t start and all you wanted was a fucking breakfast burrito.