Invisible
Do you ever get the feeling you are invisible? Like it doesn’t matter to people if you are in their lives or not. Or literally nobody notices when you cut your hair or change your appearance or disappear? It’s a bizarre concept to me because I notice every little detail about people, especially the ones I care about. Lately nobody has checked in on me like at all. Let me start by saying I don’t need to be constantly checked on but occasionally it would be nice. I’m starting to think this move back was a big mistake.
When I moved away two years ago I was a broken mess. I wasn’t aware on how broken until I sat in my feelings and really worked on myself. I’m proud of where I am today both mentally and physically but I’m starting to wonder if it was all worth it. I thought when I “healed” myself things would be easier when in reality its much harder. I left and came back a different person but everyone here stayed the same. I think because when I was a broken mess I wasn’t paying attention to people and their behavior towards me. I wasn’t noticing that I was the one who was always giving and trying to make the friendships work which in return made me miserable. I was so worried about everyone else and their problems and trying to fix them I wasn’t working on fixing my own. Probably a defense mechanism I know now. Now that I’m back it seems like everyone is too busy for me. I get it life is crazy and throw kids into the mix and well free time is hard to come by. BUT my problem is I am a huge believer that if someone matters enough to you, you will make time for them no matter what. I know this is not how most people think and we tend to get into a routine of go-go-go and burn out, but I ALWAYS make time for those I care about. To me it is a true testiment of how much I matter to a person. Lately judging by others actions I mean nothing to anyone. But I don’t dare say anything to anyone about it because I am “overreacting” or being “dramatic” which is so fucking annoying to hear. Honestly the only people are talking to me at the moment are my out of town friends which I find hilarious because they are also busy and don’t even live here!
I get so tired of asking people to do things and getting told no or I have plans or I’m busy. Got it… just wish you would tell me upfront you don’t want to spend time with me. Time to me is the most valuable thing in the world. We don’t have much of it and I don’t think people think of it like that. We aren’t guaranteed tomorrow… or even today so if I want to see someone I will move mountains to do it. I just wish one time someone would do that for me. I guess I’m a sensitive soul and expect more from people than they are at the capacity to give. It just sucks because I wish people would realize that. With the hurricane that ripped through the East I have been thinking a lot about time. Those people didn’t think they would have to leave everything and have nothing to come back to. They didn’t think they wouldn’t see their loved ones or pets ever again. It’s terrifying to think that life can change in a second. My parents taught me to live life like its borrowed time, NOT guaranteed. I think people need to remember that more often and not get caught up in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Work life balance is a real thing and I finally got a grasp of that. Life has gotten soooooo much better since I have prioritized happiness over work.
Needless to say I’m tired. Tired of trying. Tired of worrying. Tired of caring. I don’t require much in life. All I want from people is their time and I am realizing that is asking too much from people. So I guess if anyone wants to get a hold of me, I’ll be out living my life. Long road trips, movies, new restaurants, new places, new cities, coffee shops, new workouts, meeting new people and doing the things I love to do.
