Fuck you Springfield…
You know how there are some places that you refuse to go back to because something bad that happened there? Springfield is that place for me. I went to college in Springfield MO and my excitement of college freedom slowly turned into a living nightmare. A place where at first, I felt safe turned into a place I couldn’t wait to leave. College is supposed to be fun and where you learn life lessons, well for me those lessons shaped me into the person I am today and NOT in a good way.
Let me start by saying that because I am an observer and I don’t go looking for fights unless provoked, I tend to absorb an abundance of information about people. For example, the dirt I have on SO many people that is stored away in my vault, could ruin lives, relationships, jobs and just wreak havoc on people’s lives. I keep that information stored away for a rainy day. My intention isn’t to ruin people’s lives but push me far enough and I may just break. With that said the amount of bullshit I was put through while in Springfield should have broken me forever. I will not go into detail because I don’t want to air people dirty laundry BUT if you went to school at the same time I did I’m sure y’all heard the stories. The things that were said and done to me during my time there will haunt me forever. Some of the stuff didn’t even happen to me directly but since I was friends with these people, I was the one who was drug in. Unspeakable and unimaginable things that even I couldn’t believe. Unfortunately, I wasn’t “allowed” to talk about it with anyone even though some of it was spread all over campuses. Yes, I said campuses because I had to switch schools it got so bad, and it seemed to follow me there too. That was just one part of the horror I experienced the other part I will never talk about again. End.of.story.
All this combined forced me to say FUCK IT and pack my shit up and move back home. I hated that my experience there was so tainted. For at least 15+ years I never stepped foot back in the city limits of Springfield MO. When I would drive past it my skin would crawl, and I would get goosebumps. Just the thought of that place made me sick to my stomach and I hate that because I did have a lot of fun times there, they are just outweighed by the bad. It’s funny because those close to me don’t know any of this or only know some. I realized I just stopped talking about it to people other than my parents after I moved back home. Mainly because I was still surrounded by one of the individuals, and her family. I just wanted to move on and forget any of it ever happened. Now I realize that was the wrong thing to do. What I didn’t realize is how much it affected me internally, in my friendships, and relationships over my lifetime. I am the person nobody worries about because I am the strong one. During a crisis I am the person to call for sure. So, I just pushed down my emotions for the sake of everyone else, because obviously their feelings meant more than mine. Guess what, they didn’t and still don’t.
I did finally sit with all that had happened and as rough as it was, I’m glad I did it. It took me 2 years to really sit in it and feel it and process it and honestly, I don’t think I will ever stop healing from it. Through that I was able to go to Springfield with my family that lived there, and it was somehow therapeutic. We drove around campus, and I showed the family members where each horrific thing happened and told the stories and got it out of my head and heart. It was great for me but not so much for them. They were terrified hahahahahah. I even got to go to Bass Pro with my nephew! That place was my safe haven when I felt like the world was falling apart, I would go there and watch the fish. Sad, I know but it got me through some hard times.
Point of the story is, face the shit that tried to break you. Go back to it and give it the middle finger (if it’s an actual spot) Revisit it in your head and work through it. It is going to be hard; it is going to suck major ass and most likely you will have multiple breakdowns in the process. BUT feel it, learn from it and heal from it. Don’t let the trauma get the best of you and if it does tell it to FUCK OFF! Or you can do what I did and take the pictures of people who did harm to you and burn them :)
