I’ve got the chills and no I’m not sick…

Let me start by saying I’m writing this at 4:30 am sipping on my iced coffee with an ice pack wedged in my bra trying to calm my nervous system…But back to the chills. I asked a friend yesterday at work if she has ever experienced chills but no fever. She asked me to elaborate so I did. I told her that because of recent events my nervous system is wrecked and for the last couple days I have felt like I have the internal chills. By chills I mean it literally feels like there is a 1929548558 million thousand trillion volts of electricity running through my body. From the tips of my toes to my fingertips and even my earlobes. Teeth chattering but I’m not cold. Flushed cheeks and hot to the touch but I’m not hot. She immediately said yes, and I somehow felt validated. I am not always good with words. I overthink literally everything and when I say things most of the time it makes no sense and people get frustrated with me, so it was nice to hear that this time that wasn’t the case. It started Sunday with the overwhelming feeling of uncertainty. See I don’t do good with uncertainty. I tend to enter situations where I already know the outcome because it’s comforting to me. Doesn’t mean I won’t do things that scare me, shit I do things that scare me daily. BUT I overthink so therefore I have thought of every single possible outcome of every single situation I have been in so I can prepare myself. So, IF I am in a situation where I am blindsided my whole world collapses. I was put in a situation like that recently and it’s taking a bit to get over. The lying, the betrayal, the secrets and my sense of security was taken away and well that’s fucked up. To most it’s just a situation that they can brush off but to someone who values loyalty and honesty… this fucking sucks. That piled on top of all the other shit I have had to deal with these past few weeks and well my body can’t take much more. So last night after A LOT of overthinking about a situation that I am probably over analyzing…I had a panic attack…. again. They suck BIG TIME, especially when you are trying to hold it together and get some sleep then BAM your body is like nah bitch, we aint done yet. Then you suffer through it and try to implement your coping techniques to calm yourself down when all I wanted to do is call my two emotional support humans. I didn’t because one was celebrating a birthday and the other well, they are dealing with their own shit and don’t need mine on top of it. So, what did I do….. I sat in it and just let it happen. Clearly my body was telling me I needed to let it go so I did. It sucked… bad. But I slept like a rock after… that was until 3:45 am hit and I shot up out of a deep sleep and gasped for air. So here I sit with my cold therapy (if you have anxiety, I recommend anything cold… shower, ice pack, cold plunge etc) with my coffee that calms me trying to get it together before I have to go to work and put my happy mask on. It’s rough masking and pretending all the time and if you don’t have anxiety, you would not understand. I can try to explain it the best I can but if you haven’t experienced it, you will never get it. I even tried to stimulate my vagus nerve by taking by taking my ice roller and rolling my neck. This is a trick I learned a while ago and it always helps. If you suffer from anxiety and don’t know what your vagus nerve is let me enlighten you. It is the VITAL nerve controls almost all of your involuntary functions. Such as digestion, heart rate, breathing, immune system, mood, speech, taste, skin and muscle sensations and your urine output. So, when I noticed I have been feeling shitty lately, my digestions was all out of whack, my heart rate was high and I wasn’t peeing even though I drink A LOT and I wasn’t hungry despite having the fish swimming in your belly feeling, I knew it was coming. So here we are dealing with life all alone with nobody to talk to about it. I mean yes, I have people, but I am not dumping this on them because people can only take so much of my bullshit before they lose interest or just leave. Shit sometimes I am over my own bullshit. The best part is most people won’t even read this especially the ones who matter so I guess that’s why I spill it on here cuz it helps, and I don’t have to involve anyone else. hahaha That same friend that I talked to at work said something to me and we both had a good laugh, but the reality is…. being an adult is like looking both ways before you cross the street…. only to get hit by a plane. and well that pretty much sums it up.

AND disclaimer…. I know these posts aren’t grammatically correct and is all over the place but that is how my brain works and I can’t help it. I’ve spent my whole life trying to fight my brain cuz I was told I was wrong and I’m not doing that anymore. So deal with it… or don’t at this point I don’t care 🤷🏻‍♀️