It’s not your fault..

I’ve heard this phrase over and over again throughout my many trips around the sun. It wasn’t until today that it finally stuck.

Long roadtrips bring on some really good conversations. Those conversations can be great when it’s from a friend who brings a different perspective. A blunt friend who really doesn’t know my whole story but knows enough to give me some advice from a place of love. We were driving and talking about various things as we do on our long trips. A subject came up that I blame myself for and she proceeded to ask me a series of questions. I answered those questions honestly and she was baffled. I blame myself for past situations but my view of those same situations with others is the complete opposite.

I have a very… VERY protective personality. I will fight and protect those I love and care about. Especially when it comes to certain situations. So for me to be so defensive about others but not myself was kind of a wake up call. How can I grow and overcome my past if I can’t forgive myself? She made a point to tell me that I can’t hold myself responsible for the actions of others. See the funny thing I know this and I preach this to others but when it comes to me for some reason I don’t. I guess it’s because I hold myself to a higher standard. I pride myself on being in control and being independent so admitting I wasn’t in control is shameful to me. It’s stupid I know.

Ever since this conversation I have been off. My brain is spinning and preoccupied. I keep running things over in my head trying to process it. I have spent the past few years really sitting with myself and growing as a human. I’ve done so good until something like this comes up and I realize I still have a lot of work to do. I have to learn to forgive myself. I have to accept the fact that there were times that I wasn’t in control and I cannot control situations no matter how hard I try. I have to learn to give myself some grace. Forgive myself… and talk to myself the way I would talk to someone else.

It’s hard to accept things for what they are. It’s hard to accept situations you have been through have such an impact on your life. It’s like a giant elephant in the room but the room is your head. It’s inadvertently impacting your decision’s and is dictating your everyday life. So my goal this year is to forgive myself as hard as that may be. I want to be the best version I can possibly be and I can’t be that person until I forgive myself. Cheers to a new year and self reflection…wish me luck this ain’t gonna be easy 🥴