Trauma rewired my brain…
Have you ever been through such a traumatic experience (or in my case multiple experiences) that make you wonder how you’re still able to keep it together.?! I wonder his daily. The shit I’ve been though in my life should have broken me but yet I still have faith in people and I still love hard. I have a big heart and I love to give despite having things taken from me. Sadly my past experiences have hindered my life more than I realized.
I have a friend that is the most honest yet caring and wonderful human ever. I am truly grateful and not sure how or why I deserve her but she’s still here. My mindset is that everybody leaves and in most if not all situations, they have. Not her though and I hate to say it but I’m always anticipating her departure… horrible I know. Anyway, she has taught me and shown me that no matter how “healed” I think I am, my past has rewired my brain forever. I’m conditioned to expect the worse. I expect people to let me down. I expect people to leave. I expect the worst case scenario and am pleasantly surprised if and ever it turns out good. I truly believe I don’t deserve love and I truly believe it is earned. I don’t think I love and affection is just handed out, I have to earn it and work for it. She tells me that’s not the case but my brain literally won’t let me think any other way. Let me make a point that my parents gave me a wonderful childhood full of love and laughter. This trauma and shit didn’t start until college. I mean growing up I was called names and made fun of for being chunky but that was just an everyday occurrence so it didn’t bother me. College really did me in though. Just one unfortunate experience after another.
I guess what I’m trying to say is despite the bad shit that has happened I still find the good in people. I still love my people hard. I still love to give gifts… although I was told it’s weird that I “pebble” so I have tried really hard to not give gifts lately. Which is really hard for me because I genuinely love giving gifts. Despite all the bad I still see the good. My brain is in a constant battle wanting the best but thinking the worst. People show me kindness and I immediately think…hmm what’s their angle?! Horrible I know. I’m trying my hardest to change my mindset but it’s hard. So if you see me struggling just trying to embrace kindness and love… just be patient! I swear I’ll come around eventually… hopefully… fingers crossed.🤞🏼